


If This Couch Had Ears

by ApocalypseThen



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Drunk Shouting, F/F, Long Suffering, Party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 11:11:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16533476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApocalypseThen/pseuds/ApocalypseThen
Summary: Drunk Samantha gets a bit loud. Miranda is either too lazy to get up and walk away, or is secretly amused.





	If This Couch Had Ears

"Hello! I'm Samantha! Shepard told me you wanted to put a control chip in his head! Are you really that insecure? I mean, you look like a Barbie doll!"

"Thank you for your sincere thoughts. Are you a bit drunk?"

"I'm exactly as drunk as I think I am! Not a lot of people can say that! It's actually quite a complicated problem! I'm generating an introspective model of cognitive impairment on the fly!"

"You're shouting, dear."

"Am I? Perfect! That's exactly what should happen! I have to keep drinking at just the right rate, you see! But that rate changes! As my liver ramps up production of ADH! And it interacts with my medication too! It's really very tricky!"

"That's very interesting. Oh look, there's Grunt, I haven't seen him in ages."

"I get just uninhibited enough to tell people what I think, but not what I _really_ think! You see what I mean? So I can call you a Barbie doll, but I won't tell you how much I want to get off with you!"

"Oh? How much is that?"

"Hah! You can't fool me! I'm not that drunk! Hey, do you want to tell me something personal and revealing about yourself while we dance close together? Come on, I love this song!"

"That's gunfire, dear."

"I like how you keep calling me that! It's like you think you're superior because you can hold your booze! Cold and bitchy is a real turn on for me! I don't care about your daddy issues!"

"You are just _adorable_ , aren't you?"

"It's because I have two mums, you see! That I don't have daddy issues! See? Two mums?"

"What's it going to take to keep you quiet?"

"You could kiss me? I think you'd like it! I know I would! Shepard said you're the best kisser! But that Ashley has bigger thighs! That's what he likes!"

"This, ah, tiny nerd bothering you, Miranda?"

"It's sweet of you to ask, Jack. Yes. Yes, she is."

"Can I watch?"

"Phwoar, you're a bit of a stud, aren't you! Bloody gorgeous under all that ink! Do you and Miranda know each other? No, wait, do _you_ and _Miranda_... KNOW each other? Eh? Eh!"

"I dunno, Miri. Do we?"

"Oh, Jack. Be still my beating heart."

"Oh! My! God! You're not wearing knickers! I can see _everything_! No, wait, it's just another tattoo. Which means it's your skin! I _can_ see everything!"

"Samantha? Over here. We were at 'cold and bitchy', I think."

"Thighs! I distinctly remember it was thighs! Where'd your friend go?"

"She had an appointment to punch something other than your face."

"Cold and bitchy it is! Are we going to snog then? I'm really very good at sex with ladies! I'm quite motivated! I haven't been with anything that wasn't battery powered for months! EDI doesn't count! I mean, obviously she does! She's got 256-bit registers! She can count up to...I don't have enough fingers! I'd need 256 of them! You can count binary on your fingers!"

"If I kiss you, will you shut up?"

"And it wasn't as if EDI even meant to... oh! Yes! Definitely!"

"Come here, then."

"..."

"..."

"You _are_ a good kisser."

"I practice on my hand. Don't tell anyone."

"That's... personal. And revealing!"

"Shush, now, there's a good girl. How drunk are you, really? Will you remember this in the morning?"

"I'm on my third one of these."

"Mmmm, fruity. You realise there isn't actually any alcohol in this?"

"But James said..."

"Yes, I'm sure he did."

"And now you feel superior again and you'll have sex with me!"

"..."

"Pretty please?"

"Oh, all right."


End file.
